Lily Flora's Detention Diaries: Snape
by HauntedImmortalNightmare
Summary: Muggle-Born Fifth year Gryffindor Lily Flora decides on one fateful day in December to write in her diary in the middle of a Potions lesson. This gets her slammed into a load of detentions with Snape... Will Joker-Lily's Bat-Snape be able to cope? All of the J.K Rowling characters might be a little bit OOC ...
1. Chapter 1

**Monday 1st December at 03:45pm: **Professor Snape is gonna go BANANAS when he realises that I'm writing in my diary in the middle of his lesson! Ha ha ha...

Well, I'm not actually writing...

I'm drawing a bat.

Ah crap, he's just noticed! Where am I gon-

**1 hour later in Gryffindor common room: **I've got detention with Snape for two weeks! Talk about unfair...

Friggin' BAT...

I was only drawing a bat that coincidentally looked like Snape...

Ew! Snape's spat all over my drawing of a bat in my diary!

He didn't literally spit on my diary...

Snape just spits a lot when he shouts.

Like a bat splatting poo all over a dungeon floor...

Snape probably gave me two weeks worth of detentions with him because my potion almost exploded.

**The next day - Tuesday 2nd December at 07:55pm:** I've got 5 minutes until my first detention begins.

I haven't got enough time to write anything else so I'll wish Bat-Snape luck!

He's gonna need it...

I'm gonna try and be the Joker to the Batman...

**1 hour later: **Here's what happened...

I knock on the door of Snape's dungeon bat office, and the door opens to reveal a smirking Snape.

I roll my eyes at him, and he moves out of my way so that I can enter the office.

Snape tries to intimidate me by towering over me.

I sigh as he stares at me.

"Professor, quit trying to scare me... What am I gonna be doing for my detention?"

I crossed my arms to make it clear that I was NOT impressed.

Snape soon got the message, and told me that I was going to be writing lines.

What he told me to write... Well...

'I must not draw bats that look like Professor Snape.'

I raised a golden-blonde eyebrow at him.

"Very clever, Snape-"

"PROFESSOR!-"

"Yeah... Very 'funny' way of showing that you're annoyed... Snape..."

He smiled a thin-lipped smile that always means trouble.

"5 points from Gryffindor, Miss Flora."

I laughed at him, and then sat down at a desk near the door.

Snape raised an eyebrow at me, then sat down behind his desk.

He then frowned at me as I got out a scroll of parchment, a quill and a bottle of ink.

As soon as I had noticed him frowning at me I grinned at him, and he angrily snapped his head back down to grade the 1st years Potion essays.

Snape refused to look at me for the rest of the detention.

Hallelujah...

After about 1 hour Snape stood up and walked over to me with a sarcastic yet grim expression on his pale face.

"I have changed my mind about how many hours of my time I'm willingly unwilling to waste giving you detentions, Miss Flora. You now only have a detention for every day of this week. You may go..."

I quickly packed up my things and ran out of Snape's dungeon office before he changed his mind.

When I had reached the door Snape added something annoying to the end of his little speech.

"But... If you EVER stop paying attention in my class again it will be detention for two weeks!"

I nodded quickly, not wanting to say anything that would ruin the deal that Snape had made with me.

Running round the corner past a load of sighing portraits, I suddenly froze with a look of horror on my face when I remembered that I hadn't written the right amount of lines that Snape had ordered me to do.

I shrugged and carried on running when I remembered that I don't give a fuck.

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare: Hello! :) So this fanfic got invented randomly when I was writing in my diary a year ago... And when I read it a year later I thought that it would be a good idea for a Fanfic._**

**_The next chapter will probably be better than this one so please tag along for the next chapter... And the next chapter...E.T.C... Heh..._**

**_Thanks for reading! :D_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wednesday 3rd December at 07:00am:** I'm sat in the Great Hall for breakfast and I already think that Snape wants to kill me.

Yeah, he's still frowning at me.

He's been frowning for a little while now...

It's not my fault that I got distracted and started daydreaming about giant bats...

Giants bats in the dungeon...

Flying over the classroom...

Hanging from the ceiling...

I have this horrible feeling that Snape can see what I'm thinking.

Hmm...

The giant bat in my mind is now moonwalking on the dungeon ceiling like Michael Jackson...

Oh shit...

Better stop writing in my diary now.

Snape's zooming over to fry a lioness.

**11:55am: **I'm writing this in Transfiguration.

Yeah I know, I'm probably gonna get another week's worth of detentions but oh well...

Better stop talking crap now...heh...

SO... At breakfast - when Snape zoomed towards me - he tried to rip my diary out of my hands before I could shove it to the bottom of my bag.

Unfortunately for him I was sat next to Ginny Weasley.

Like I'm sat next to her now in Transfiguration...

She keeps on poking me for some reason-

OH SHIT!

**07:50pm:** Well, I didn't get a week's worth of detentions... But Professor McGonagall DID manage to take my diary away from me...

So now I'm writing on a scroll of parchment that I should be saving for Snape's detention that's at 8pm...

Ginny's rolling her eyes at me with a smirk on her face as she talks to her brothers, Fred and George, on the other side of the Gryffindor Common room in front of the fireplace.

When she points me out to Fred and George they both look at me and grin.

I grin back at them and wave.

Fred and George look at each other, and then gesture at me to walk over to them.

I shrug my shoulders and nod, wondering what the two legendary Hogwarts pranksters would want with me...?

I've nearly made it to the other side of the Common room when I'm stopped in my tracks by someone roughly patting my right shoulder several times.

"Lily Flora, you bloody legend!"

Ginny groans as Ron grins at me.

I smirk at Ginny.

"Thanks, Ron."

Ginny walks over to me and Ron and grabs hold of my left arm.

"Get over here, Lily!"

I chuckle at the angry look on Ginny's face.

Ron joins me.

"Calm down, Gin! I'm only talking to her!"

I sneak a look at Fred and George, sliding a finger across my throat with a panicked look at Ginny.

Chuckling, they walk over and stand right behind Ginny.

"Ugh, Lily!" groans Ginny when Fred and George put a hand on each of her shoulders.

"What?" I exclaim, grinning mischievously.

Ginny shoots a death glare at me.

"Oh, I think you know what."

Ron snorts, and Ginny turns her death glare over to him.

Ron stops snorting and waves goodbye to me with wide eyes as he sprints over to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger.

When Harry sees me looking over he waves awkwardly at me.

I wave awkwardly back at him as Hermione frowns at us.

I don't think she likes me for some unknown reason...

"Damn... What time is it?"

Fred looks down at the watch on his wrist.

"07:57... You have detention with Snape, right?"

"Yeah, and I've only got 3 minutes to run over to the dungeons... Ah crap..."

"Crap?"

"Poo..."

Fred and George raise their eyebrows and grin.

"Ooh poo..."

**09:15pm: **Fred and George only wanted to ask me what I did to annoy Snape at breakfast.

I lied and said that I had no idea.

I didn't want to try and explain to them who Michael Jackson is...

I was 10 minutes late to Snape's 2nd pointless detention of the week.

He glared at me.

"20 points from Gryffindor."

I shrugged and said that I don't care about House Points.

Snape stared at me in disbelief.

"What sort of Hogwarts student are you?!"

I stared blankly back at him.

"Gryffindor..."

Snape threw me a withering glare over his shoulder as he stormed over to stand behind his desk.

Smirking at him, I looked at the desks and noticed a load of disgusting cauldrons.

The smirk fell off of my face and landed onto Snape's.

"Oh HELL NO-"

"Wash all of the cauldrons without magic. You have 1 hour..."

I hate bats.

Especially bats who decide to go back to the old way of detentions.

I prefer to write lines...

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare: Would anyone like to Beta this story? :)_**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thursday 4th December at 07:55pm: **I wonder what would happen if I didn't go to Snape's detention tonight...

Would he come into the Gryffindor Common room and drag me screaming all the way to the dungeons?

Probably not...

I hope he does!

**08:15pm: **Nothing's happened so far.

Ginny's been trying to convince me to go to Snape's detention...

But I just can't be bothered.

Plus I'm the friggin' Joker to the Batman in the dungeon...

Not that Snape knows what Batman is-

"LILY! HIDE!"

Why is Ginny telling me to hide?!

OH SNAP!

SNAPE!

Shit... This is kinda exciting!

I'm gonna stop writing and start hiding...

**08:23pm: **It wasn't Snape...

It was Professor McGonagall!

Snape had told her that I hadn't shown up to his detention yet so she walked over to the Gryffindor Common room to find me.

It didn't take her very long to find me...

"LILY FLORA! Why are you hiding under your bed instead of attending Professor Snape's detention?!"

I quickly scrambled out from under my bed to try and explain myself.

"I don't know, Professor..."

Well... Sort of...

Professor McGonagall sighed.

"Are you ill?"

"Maybe..."

"You're either ill or you're not ill, Miss Flora! One or the other!"

I put one of my hands on my forehead.

"Yes..."

McGonagall shook her head at me.

"Go to Madam Pomfrey..."

So now I'm in the Hospital Wing with Madam Pomfrey sending me suspicious looks.

She knows I'm not ill.

Does anyone ever know when they're actually ill at Hogwarts?

With Fred and George selling sweets that instantly make you ill-

Oh. My. God.

I have a puking pastille in my cloak pocket!

**08:38pm: **Madam Pomfrey was a little bit surprised when she walked out of her office to see me puking into a vase.

Her surprise turned into anger when she saw that it was her favourite vase...

I know that it's her favourite because she was screeching it at me as she cleaned the vase and handed me something else to be sick into.

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare: Thanks if anyone is actually reading this Fanfic... :)_**


	4. Chapter 4

**Friday 5th December at 06:56am: **I heard Professor McGonagall come into the Hospital Wing to visit me 10 minutes ago.

So I pretended to be asleep.

Professor McGonagall isn't someone I really want to talk to at 06:46am...

"Miss Flora, are you awake?"

She paused to give me a few seconds to reply.

After about 12 seconds she sighed.

Professor McGonagall walked away from me to talk to Madam Pomfrey.

I could just about hear McGonagall say that she's surprised that she (Madam Pomfrey) let me stay overnight in the Hospital Wing.

Madam Pomfrey replied that I had been vomiting buckets full of sick last night.

"Have you heard about Fred and George Weasley selling sweets to students that instantly make them ill, Poppy?"

"Yes. I hope Miss Flora hasn't lost the other side of her puking pastille..."

I rolled my eyes.

I had already eaten the other side of my puking pastille AGES ago.

Wait a second... How do they already know about the puking pastilles?!

Fred and George had only just started selling them last week!

Things get spread round Hogwarts pretty quickly...

Either that or a lot of people lost the other side of their puking pastilles.

**10:32am:** Professor McGonagall had put my diary on the bedside table when she visited me at 06:46am!

I hope she hasn't read any of my diary...

There are things in my diary that should be put under lock and key.

She probably hasn't...

**10:36am:** A piece of paper folded in half landed on my desk in front of me.

Unfolding the tiny piece of paper, I felt myself freeze with surprise.

'_I've read your diary, Miss Flora. Very interesting..._

_M.M'_

I look up with wide-eyed blue eyes from my diary to see Professor McGonagall smirking at me, looking pointedly at my diary that I've not bothered to hide under my desk.

I should probably stop writing in my diary in lessons...

**In the Gryffindor Common room at 04:14pm:** I really hope that Professor McGonagall was joking about reading my diary...

There are a lot of things in there that could get my friends and I into a lot of trouble...

It's weird how I'm not scared of Snape but I'm scared of Professor McGonagall reading my diary.

I guess I am a little weird...

**07:54pm: **I really don't want to go to Snape's detention... UGH!

Doesn't that miserable old bat have any Christmas spirit?!

I mean, yeah, it is only the 5th of December but still...

IT'S DECEMBER!

I really don't want to scrub a load of grubby cauldrons...

I only did a little drawing of a BAT for goodness sake!

If the cauldrons were full of candy canes then I might be more inclined to clean the cauldrons...

**09:16pm:** I didn't hide under my bed this time, I promise...

I don't think I'd be able to get away with being 'ill' again...

Well, not two days in a row...

Maybe next week...

Anyways... Snape's detention was indeed cleaning cauldrons.

As soon as I walked into the dungeon, I saw a girl from Ravenclaw scrubbing away at a cauldron with her face scrunched up in disgust.

Boy did she look happy to see me...

"Hi, my name's Lily. What's yours?" I whispered to her when she smiled at me.

"My name's Rachel. Nice to see you here!" she whispered back to me as she handed me something to clean the cauldrons with.

I grinned at her.

I like making new friends... It's a nice feeling...

"Do you have detention with Snape tomorrow?" I asked her, hoping that I wouldn't be alone with Bat-Snape.

Rachel shook her head.

"Damn..."

Something hard hits the back of my head.

I turned around to see Bat-Snape glaring at me.

I raised an eyebrow at him and turned back around to continue scrubbing cauldrons with Rachel.

"Miss Flora!" snapped Snape.

"What?" I snapped back at him.

Rachel looks at me in awe.

Snape stands up and storms over to tower over me.

"10 points from Gryffindor for your rude behaviour, Miss Flora. Do you want another weeks worth of detentions?!"

"No." I reply straight away with no hesitation.

Who would?

Bat-Snape throws a frown at Rachel, who's stopped washing the cauldrons to watch me talk to Snape.

Rachel squeaks and turns her blonde-haired head back around, probably wanting to hide behind the cauldrons.

Snape smirks as he gives me some 'useful advice'...

"Then I suggest you don't open your mouth again..."

I frown at him as I mime zipping my mouth shut.

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare: I'm not sure when Fred and George started selling the sweets that instantly make you ill so don't be mad at me if it's wrong... It's my story. :p xD ;)_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Saturday 6th December at 09:35pm:** I haven't had any time other than now to write in my diary today.

If I'm being honest with you, Diary, I haven't actually done anything today that was worth writing about...

Apart from Snape's detention.

I did feel like drawing unflatteringly fat Christmas pudding bats tangling from a Christmas tree in Potions yesterday... but I thought better of that idea...

Seriously hate having detentions with Snape...

But tonight's detention was surprisingly entertaining...

Dumbledore just happened to find out that Snape was making students clean cauldrons in their detentions with him in December...

Even though Dumbledore had told him not to.

Let's just say that Bat-Snape has been well and thoroughly Jokered...

**08:15pm:** I'm busy scrubbing away at a cauldron, with my back turned to Snape, when I hear a pleasantly calm knock at the dungeon door.

Snape tells the person to come in, and what a surprise it is for me to hear Bat-Snape do a little gasp of horror...

"Headmaster, I can explain-"

"There is no need for you to explain, Severus. All I need to know is right in front of me..."

I turn around to see Dumbledore frowning at a nervous-looking Snape.

"Make him sweat, Dumbledore!"

Dumbledore and Snape stare at me, and I realise that I accidentally exclaimed what I was thinking.

Dumbledore winked at me.

"I think I already have..."

I snorted in surprise when Dumbledore winked at me, and dear old Bat-Snape shot his best withering Batarang glare at me.

"Severus, I think that Lily Flora should be the one glaring at YOU... She should be writing lines in December..."

Snape kept on glaring at me as he asked Dumbledore a question.

"How did you find out?"

"Lily told me."

My mouth popped open when Dumbledore casually signed my death sentence.

One of Bat-Snape's hands immediately reached for his wand.

But before he could curse me with it, Snape suddenly found himself holding a candy cane.

"You should give that to Lily, Severus. As an apology..."

"But Headmaster... This is my WAND! I can't let her eat my wand!"

I burst out laughing.

Can't help it if I have a bit of a dirty mind...

I laugh even harder when I see that Bat-Snape's blushing.

Dumbledore smiles at me, his blue eyes twinkling with delight.

"I'm serious, Severus. Give Lily the candy cane."

"Yeah, S-Severus, give me the candy cane!" I manage to say as I laugh at Bat-Snape's bad luck.

Snape frowns at Dumbledore.

"This isn't funny, Headmaster. Turn the candy cane back into my wand. Now."

Dumbledore ignored Snape's demand as he turned around to walk out of the dungeon.

"Goodnight, Severus... Lily."

Snape shakes his head in disgust as he puts his candy cane wand back in his pocket.

**09:00pm:** When I leave Snape's detention, I feel something appear in my cloak pocket.

Looking in my cloak pocket I see that Bat-Snape's candy cane wand is there next to my wand.

I don't think Snape even realised that his candy cane wand had mysteriously disappeared...

Dumbledore must have charmed the dungeon doorway to make it jump into my cloak pocket...

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare: The next chapter's gonna be full-on Bat-Snape and Joker-Lily action... ^^ ;)_**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sunday 7th December at 07:00am:** I've just received a letter from someone in the owl post.

Ginny wants to see what it says but I'm afraid that the content of the letter is top secret...

That's what I tell Ginny, and she frowns at me.

I smirk and continue to read the letter:

_'Lily,_

_You have my permission not to go to Professor Snape's detention this evening._

_Good luck if you do decide to attend Professor Snape's detention this evening..._

_Dumbledore_

_P.S. As soon as you eat the candy cane that's in your cloak pocket, the candy cane in Professor Snape's pocket will also disappear.'_

I look up from my letter to Dumbledore, who nods his head in greeting when he notices me looking at him.

I nod back at him and sneak a look at Bat-Snape.

Bat-Snape was already frowning at me when I turned my head to look at him.

Ginny waves a hand in front of my face to get my attention.

"Lily, are you listening to me?!"

Oops...

**09:04pm:** I really wanted to eat the candy cane, so I went to Snape's final detention at 8pm.

Walking down the corridor that would lead me to Bat-Snape's dungeon, I had my hand wrapped around the candy cane that was Snape's wand with a huge grin on my face.

There was a look of confusion in Snape's eyes when I walked into the dungeon grinning.

"This is a detention, Miss Flora... Why are you grinning?"

I shrugged, still grinning widely.

Snape raised an eyebrow at me as he pointed silently at the cauldrons in the corner of the dungeon.

I shrugged once again as I walked over to the dirty cauldrons, pulling out my candy cane to eat while I scrubbed.

Bat-Snape noticed me eating something straight away, which was annoying...

"10 points from Gryffindor."

I stuffed the candy cane up my sleeve and turned around to glare at Bat-Snape.

"What did I do again?"

Snape glared back at me.

"You know what you did, Miss Flora. 10 points from Gryffindor."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Why do you always have to take 10 points away from Gryffindor?!"

Bat-brain smirked.

Git...

"Would you like me to take 50 points away from Gryffindor?"

I stared blankly at Snape, annoyed because I knew that if I said another word then he really would take 50 points away from Gryffindor... Ugh...

Bat-Snape stayed smirking as he waved me away back to scrubbing the cauldrons.

Lucky for me, Snape had forgotten all about me eating something, so I continued to eat the candy cane.

Another lucky thing was that the candy cane was like a marshmallow, so I could eat it quietly.

And quickly...

When I was one bite away from finishing the candy cane, I suddenly felt a hand slam down on my left shoulder.

"50 points from Gryffindor."

I raised an eyebrow at Snape as I popped the last piece of the candy cane into my mouth.

Snape frowned suspiciously at me as he checked his pocket for his candy cane.

Anger flashed in his black eyes as he glared sharply at me.

"What have you done?!"

I frowned at him in mock confusion.

"What do you mean, Snape? I was only eating a candy cane..."

Snape grabbed my shirt as he pulled me up towards his angry face to try and intimidate me.

I'll admit it... I did feel a little bit intimidated...

"Don't. Lie. To me."

Ah shit...

"DUMBLEDORE! HELP MEEEEE!"

Snape flinched as he let go of my shirt.

I took that as an opportunity to run like the wind out of Angry-Bat's dungeon all the way to Dumbledore's office.

I've only been out of Dumbledore's office for about 4 minutes.

Right now I'm back in the Gryffindor common room with a letter from Dumbledore ordering me to not come to breakfast or any of my Potion lessons tomorrow...

So yeah... Snape's pretty angry about me eating his wand...

**_HauntedImmortalNightmare:_ Do you guys think that Lily will remember not to come down to the Great Hall for breakfast? ^^**


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